So sorry to hear this. I think it's awesome that you'll be there for the kids. Grieving is a B!t*H (especially for young kids). How far away do they live from you and your wife?
I'm in Houston and they currently live in ATL. Luckily through teleworking I should be able to spend some decent chunks of time over there, but I would like for them to move to Houston next summer when the school year ends, so we can all be close together, along with my parents. My sister is a physician and should be able to find a great job here in the med center.
Damn, dude. That's rough as hell, but major props for stepping up. I wish I had advice to give, but all I can offer is encouragement. Kids need multiple adult role models in their lives to be fulfilled, not the least of which is a father figure. Hopefully your sister is cool with you leaning in as hard as humanly possible.
Your boys are TEN now? It legit feels like you were just sharing the good news about the pregnancy with us yesterday. Time is completely clowning on me.
There’s a reason your father talks **** to you. He sees your mother in you. He argues or whatever with you because to him you took after his mother so talking to you is like talking to her. If that in any way rings true, I would apologize to him for taking your mother's side against him. His problems were with your mother and only your mother. Even when the problems spilled on to you, they weren't about you. Until you let go of your mother's issues with him and stop blaming him for them, he will never be able to take on the fatherly role that you are seeking. All of that is not to say your father was correct in everything he did. But it is important that you find peace with your father. It's no coincidence that you said you could be a better father when you have judged your own father in the way that you have. So, I say, go to him. Apologize to him and forgive him for not protecting you. If he still reacts as always, fine, you'll love him for real regardless, your life will be better and your own children will be better for it. You won't get the connection you are seeking, but the peace is what's really important. And if your mother contributed at all to your feelings towards your father, which I am certain she did, you gotta forgive her as well. Mothers are another story, though.
Great post thank you for your advice. I agree to a large extent and you are saying it in a way that I haven't necessarily thought of all the way. I'm saying I'm not a great dad but nothing to do with my wife. Maybe I'm not following you on that part.. I am fine to apologize and all that but there are lots of things he says and does also nothing to do with my mother that I either have to call him out or not. He has a big ego and you are right he does associate me with my mother. Theres not a way to remove that and if he starts talking sh*it .. especially when it's incorrect or I was there...well then it's tough to not say something Appreciate you.
I drive two to two and a half hours, one way to work, one to five days a week. Then, I get home and I take classes at night some nights. Then, I do homework. Then I tuck my kids into bed and sometimes do more work. My wife is great about this. My point? This is all temporary for me, but it's necessary to accomplish a goal I set for myself twelve years ago. It's the path I've gone down. I seem it necessary, and I've normalized it. To me, it's not bad. To others, it may seem crazy. What I'm trying to say is that it's easy to steer down a path that, to you, is totally normal, but to others, is out there. Sometimes, when it comes to parents, we've got to look at them as grown up kids, just like I think most people view themselves. My parents gave me a great childhood with what they had, but as I get older, it becomes easier to identify their strengths and weaknesses as parents, and I do this to try and better my own parenting. But I would never hold that against them. They gave me life and nourished it, and without them, I wouldn't be where I am now. Were there times where I struggled or they couldn't provide for me? Absolutely. But even that made me a better person. @IBTL , I don't know your situation, and it sounds very complicated. I wish you the best. It's a tricky thing to navigate. All you can do is put your best foot forward. My wife went through a similar situation. Though her relationship with her father was mostly strained because her mother purposely made it that way. Her father will never be a lovey dovey type guy. He's not built that way. He was a fighter pilot, and I think has some emotional scars from that. But that relationship, from an outsider's perspective, is absolutely worth having. I wish you the best, man.
I wrote my dad to wish him happy birthday and he didn't respond lol Thanks for advice cf it's nice to get outside input.
It's a generational thing. Email is out. Feelings is out. Text...pfft I guess you can pop an old VHS tape of rockets playoffs with some beer and watch in silence to make peace. Microbrew if you want to make him think your gay
The number 1 correlating factor to ending up being a criminal and in jail in the US is not race or poverty, but it is coming from a Fatherless home. It correlates more highly to ending up in prison than any other factor. Some caveats: fatherless home does not mean two household divorces...where the father is still involved. It is truly single mothers raising fatherless children. Basically, you're 25 times more likely to end up in jail if you are from a fatherless home regardless of race or income.
