Having another family after you're finished with the first one is a whole different ball of wax. I love kids but if something happened with my wife I would never start over. As for having a girl all of a sudden, my 15yo niece came to live with me last year. It was definitely a paradigm shift. A second monthly drama cycle, although she synced with my wife after a few months, which didn't really make it better. My advice: lock down the phone and social media before she hits her teenage years. Lots of structure. Lots of chores, duties. (that's what we do with all of our kids anyway). Peer pressure is the devil with these girls.
I haven't spoken to my father since may of this year. It's his birthday tomorrow I thought about sending him an email wishing him happy birthday. It sucks to have disagreements at the same time if he wants to be sensitive about things that happened 30 years ago and ultimately on him..
Speak to your dad. There's almost nothing that can't be worked through. Once they're gone, there's no more chances to talk. I wish my dad were around (cancer) so that I could talk with him.
I’m sorry man. That sucks. Some people may not be able to mature, but that doesn’t mean you have to hold grudges either. Would hate for you to lose him never having resolved things, God forbid. My Dad and I only talk about 3 times a year, he doesn’t call on birthdays or anything. I have to initiate. He wasn’t a bad father, just very part time and didn’t know any better. Personally I would rather be better than the standard he set. That includes being the one to initiate communication.
Yeah, that’s how I am with my Mom. Lost her last year to cancer. During the rush of Covid. Would give anything to talk to her.
First thing I did when my wife and I split and I started dating again.... snip snip. Well worth it. On the subject of starting over I have a friend who is 51 with 2 kids in college and a new born at him with his much younger trophy wife. Granted they have a live in nanny but even then... thats a big nope for me. I have another friend who had a baby (and baby momma) right out of high school. Paid child support for 17 years and then got his next baby momma pregnant, had 3 months without paying child support before he had to start paying for kid #2. He has been paying child support for 17 years for kid 2 and just found out his current girlfriend is pregnant. I had to laugh in his face like "OMFG man do you not understand how this keeps happening?"
This. This is sound advice. I'm not sure what OP is going through, but work it out. It's worth it. My parents are 60. Neither one of them are in great health. Not terrible but not great. They live 1500 miles away. I regret no spending enough time with them. Especially my father, who I've missed time with for no good reason other than distance. I love that man, and one of my biggest fears in life is getting a phone call about either parent in the middle of the night. We didn't have a ton growing up, but I had an absolutely wonderful childhood....until my parents split. But that's a different story. I have so many wonderful memories with my dad when I was a kid that I can only hope that I can live up to that for my kids. I've told my wife already, when they're out of the house, if they ever move, I'm moving near them. Only problem is there's two kids, so I hope they're not on opposite coasts. Kind of hard to do that, but I'll try!
I'm sorry man. I'm sorry about that and your father. Same goes for @boomboom . Makes me sad just thinking about it. F*** cancer, man. I know all too well how awful it is.
Listen, I understand how you're feeling, but take this for what it's worth. When he's gone....he's gone!! Trust me when I say you'll be kicking yourself that you didn't reach out and try to at least find common ground. As you get older, and you look back on your life, the BIG regrets in life aren't the things you did but rather the things you didn't do. Don't have the regret of not reaching out and at least trying to work on things. My dad passed away in '16 and my mom last April. I had good relationships with both, but man, I would give EVERYTHING I own to be able to spend five minutes with them. To hear their voice, to hug them, and to look them in their eyes and tell them how much I love them and how BLESSED I was to have them as my parents, and to hear them tell me how much they love me. He's your dad, try to find it in your heart to reach out to him, try to make it work, find common ground. One thing me and my dad could always talk about was baseball. Do you have something like that? Do you have kids? If so let them try to have a relationship with him. The first step is to just pick up the phone. No need to rehash the past. No need for apologies right now. Just on a basis of he's your dad and you're his son. I know this isn't easy, but you know what, I bet if you were honest with yourself, this has been knawing at you for years. It's knawing at him as well. Would it be safe to say both of you are letting your pride get in the way? You want him to reach out and he wants you to reach out first. Right now, you're BOTH losing out, and it does NOT have to be like this. Just like any relationship, it has to start somewhere. I don't know what the issues are but trust me if you open up your heart you can both rise above it. Remember this. Without your dad you are NOT here!! You don't have life!! He and your mom are your life source. Be the bigger man and be the one who reaches out. That you would like to get together. Life is TOO damn short to hold grudges. Pray on it. Good luck and I truly hope that you and your dad can find peace with each other!!
Thanks I appreciate it.. and thanks for taking time to type out advice..as is the case it's usually easier to take advice then receive it. My mother is not alive anymore and I understand the sentiment of 5 more minutes. As for my father sure I will miss him when gone yet there has been a long slow death of the relationship and in some ways he has died long ago. This time around he is not talking to me offended because I called him out. I suppose it's one of those deals where we are all supposed to believe and play along with his alternate reality..the truth is on some parts he was a good dad and he dished out to support me and send me on trips etc. So I guess Im just supposed to be some dude that agrees with everything and he can just talk sh*it all day accurate or not. He wants to be buddies yet the truth is he can't handle a world where we are are somewhat even. I will email him tomorrow I suppose. I'm not going to get sappy just happy birthday. I can apologize for not allowing him to insult me I suppose. Thanks again
@IBTL ...that's a tough go. Good luck, man. I hope there's some way you two can find peace between the both of you. It sounds like you're willing to extend out to him...it's just not reciprocated in the same manner.
Yeah its weird because I try to look at his relationship with my mother from outside and with perspective. Let me ask internet advisors here at cf - would you make friends and let him talk sh*it the whole time with undying loyalty in the name of keeping in touch? In name of him validating his alternate reality and feeling better about himself? Is that worth it to the big picture? Yes I have kids and he is more interested in his maids and gardeners kids..it's so strange. I think it's because they aren't close he can help them and style them out.. and they all think he is some great dude.that distance between allows for that..'such a nice man'... I think he's great in many ways but just let him be a fuc*kwad? To be fair I could be an axe murderer and since I'm a solid bbser it makes me a great guy here. I could be a better dad myself.
Good thread Paternity test should mandatory upon birth -- This would prevent the obvious, but would also discourage infidelity and "accidental" pregnancies. Joint custody should be default for all children -- This would discourage divorce and most pregnancies. This would also encourage fatherly influence in children's lives which is sorely lacking mostly due to women's feelings and a court system which helps facilitate it. Child support money should also be more regulated toward the child and not totally based on income. I realize there are still ways being fraudulent but at least make the attempt. Children do not cost thousands of dollars/month to accommodate. PJ Washington was foolish but no way does any child need thousands of dollars to be raised. If the complainant wants that particular lifestyle, they need figure a way to stay together with the other party.
It takes two people to make a relationship work. You reaching out to him means you were trying to take the high road. Once you get together the balls in his court as to how he's going to work on the relationship (you as well). However if he's going to continue to disrespect you by being unkind and with passive aggressive comments then it's going to show that he's not really interested in finding common ground. You don't have to go tit for tat with him. Just tell him your goal was to try to attempt to have a relationship with him (at least try to and see how that defines itself over time) but if he can't be respectful than as much as you'd like to see this work you're going to step back until he can deal with you in a respectful manner. Any relationship needs boundaries and if he continues to step over yours then he's flat out telling you he doesn't respect you. Again he's your father and if he can't interact with you from a place of love then it would be wise to love him from a distance. Some people (even family) you have to do this. If he wants to show you that he can do this and respect your boundaries then let him know you're more than willing to spend time with him and to work on your relationship. You can't make this work on your own!!! He has to be willing to work on it as well. If at the end of the day it just brings you heartache and frustration at least you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you tried to make it work. Back to the regrets in life, you'll have peace that you reached out and were willing to try to make it work but he wasn't willing to meet you halfway and you won't be beating yourself up wondering "what if"? You'll feel sadness for him because he's going to be the one who misses out on having a relationship with his son. Let him know your door is always open but he has to respect your boundaries and you will do likewise with his. Tell him what your boundaries are. He's either willing to do this or he's not. You're his F'n son and he should be willing to do this but some people can't give what they do NOT have. I'm proud of you for reaching out to him!! It took a great deal of courage to do this and you set aside your pride.
Thanks for your kind words. I should save your post and then send it to him. You say he's either willing to or not and in his mind he has done nothing wrong and his sh*it talking no big deal. He's the same age as trump and it's crazy how similar they are. He would never concede wrong doing yet be a sensitive puss the whole time. I told him in may when he said he 'didnt want to talk to me anymore and goodbye.' that he was a sensitive p***y quick to talk shi*t and yet a complete snowflake. I sent him an email this morning. Thanks again for your thoughtful post I know there is a reason I still come to cf
Then your dad is letting his pride stand between having a relationship (or trying to have) with his son. Him being right is more important than, again, having a relationship with you. There's no reasoning with pride. It’s also why it's one of the seven deadly sins.
My 10 year old boys have been taking drum and guitar lessons at School of Rock for several months now. We just signed them up for "Rock 101" which means they'll be playing in a band now and they'll have a showcase in December. They'll be playing I Love Rock and Roll, Eye of the Tiger, Cherry Bomb and......TNT. I told my wife to be prepared because, the first time I see them playing on stage in December.....I'm probably going to be crying like a little b****.
It can't be a coincidence this thread got bumped now. My wife and I don't have kids yet, our family planning has been long delayed now due to layoffs/Covid. But the biggest factor right now is my sister's husband who was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Feb 2020 (right before the pandemic) is reaching the end of his fight, and does not have much time left. They have two kids (10 and 8), and I have been preparing to take on the father figure role for these kids after they lose their dad. I am really the only one in the family with the relationship connection to the kids that could provide that kind of fatherly support and guidance, even though I have no kids of my own yet. Taking them through the grieving process is going to be HARD, and I just wanted to see if anybody has any experience taking on the surrogate role. I see @Xerobull supports his niece. The kids won't be living with us, they will still be with my sister of course, but I plan to be a big part of their daily lives.
