Seeking advice regarding relationships After seen several threads about relationships... I figured that most of the posters here are all nice and caring people who could offer genuine advices... I'm currently experincing some uncertainty about what I should do next & have been seeking advice from friends, but just thought a bunch of strangers here on the internet might offer me a new insight & perspective. Here is my story: I met a girl about four years ago who lives in the same apartment but a level below me at the time. I believe it was fate that brought us together... We moved into the same apartment about the same time & we keep bumping into each other in the elevator so often that if I meet someone else about 5 times a week then I probably will see her about 20 times. I must say that I'm not the most outgoing type that will talk with all people happened to live in the same building, but I keep bumping into her so often that I started to talk with her & later on... we are getting familar with each other & I started to ask her out. She's a charming, popular, caring, energetic type of person who will get along with everyone well. We've been good friend since. Both of us were university students at the time. In the begining I never confessed about my feelings for her because I knew she will be leave the country to study overseas in few month time & I doubted that such a long distance relationship will work. However, things changed a month before she's leaving. One night I asked her to come to my place for dinner & I saw the sadness in her eyes... I asked her why & she said she will miss the apartment & the good memories there ( I knew she's talking about me)... I told her I'm a little sad as well & she asked why... I can't help but confessed about my feelings for her & learned she feels the same way. I was very uncertain at the time but then decided to go for it & enjoy every bit of precious time we had before she's leaving. Indeed we had wonderful memories back then & managed to keep the relationship going for another 6 month. However, the reality side of things started to kick in & the uncertainty of whether we could continue really bothered me along with other pains I've experienced in life. Our relationship got worse because of the uncertainty & one day... I felt it was time & told her that maybe we should breakup for a while. We had not contact each other for about a month until she called me saying that she'll be back to the country for two days & will pickup some of her stuff up in my place... All along even though she never said it, I knew she was coming back because of me... I tried to act like we were just normal friend while meeting her...but again can't help & rushed myself to the airport & saw her there the last few minutes before her departure... I didn't talk much but gave her a letter conveying the belief that it might be possible for us to get back together again. We again kept in touch since... it's strange, I felt we were closer spiritually than ever before even though we were physically far apart... we remained close friends unitl after one year, when I completed my Bachelor degree, I decided to pursue my career/study in the country she's in & planned to continue our relationship there. What can I say, it must be fate... after I arrived in the same city with her, our relationship actually gotten worse... & the reality side of things was telling me that we better off just being friends (& that's what I told her)... I was trying hard to treat her like a friend & hoped that my feelings for her will fade & change... It never worked... I can sense she's not happy with the way I'm treating her as a sister & during thet time, being in a new city, a new environment & new lifestyle, I didn't know what to do with her & was very emotional... we ended up arguing about little things very often... & then one day, I realized it's not getting anywhere (I'm affecting her study & I was having a hardtime concentrate on other tasks at hand) & finally I asked her whether she wants to back together again or break all ties. I saw the doubt in her eyes & that said it all... I left a SMS on her mobile wished her all the best in the future & she did the same... After we cut all our ties I tried to forget about her but couldn't, all the good memories we had together constantly creeps into the back of my minds. There are several girls hitting on me & my friends suggest to go for it... saying that I can only forget about someone by starting a new relationship... but I just can't forget about my ex and as a traditional type, I'm having difficulty to start a relationship with a new girl because my mind is still with my ex... Later on I decided that I'll contact my ex again one day... when I'm fully ready to fixup the problems between us, waiting for the day when I could remove all the uncertainties in my head... I never doubt it would happen someday... but the question is... when? After a year of no contact, I heard my ex is starting a new relationship... of course I was disappointed, but later on, I'm also glad that she could forget about me & get on with her life... it's so painful to think of someone everyday & doing nothing about it...I know... About 2 months ago (after no contact for one and half year), surprisingly, she gave me a call & asked how I've been... I never expected her call & was surprised she had the courage to call me... we talked on the phone for about a hour & I told her that I still got some of her stuff in my place & we arranged a time to meet the next day... I didn't sleep that night, thinking about her call & the intention behind the call... Somehow I feel she might still have the feelings for me, I told her on the phone that I heard some rumor that she's having a new relationship & she told me that's just a close friend. I'm confused, because I'm certain she's having a relationship with that guy. I asked myself, do I still have feelings for her? Of course! Am I ready to get back together with her? Even though I really wanted to, but the answer is No because there still uncertainties in my head that I still coundn't overcome. So the next day we met, I tried hard to hide my feelings & try to be a normal friend... somehow I can feel there is a sign of disappointment in her face but I also confirmed that she's still having a relationship with the other guy & after considering everything... I tried to act as I'm not interested in her anymore & wished her & her boyfriend all the best... After that, the last two months has been really painful... she's constantly in my head again that I just couldn't get rid off... A number of friends tell me why can't I just call her & tell her about my true feelings... but back in my mind I knew this is not the time... I'm still not in a position that I feel I can solve the diffrences between us & I'm not confident right now that I can make our relationship work... Coming up in 2 weeks time is our 4th aniversary... My friends told me that if I'm thinking about her this much, I should do something... I'm really uncertain right now... maybe you guys can give me a direction on this... Sorry about the long post & thanks for reading... I'm not trying to be a Macbeth & this is probably the only thread I'll write this much, so relax!
I say call her. Let her know how you feel. You'd be true to yourself, and maybe, somehow, it will pull you towards some sort of closure. Either maybe you'll be with her again, and have a chance to work things out, or maybe it'll sever all ties. I just don't think you can keep going on living with her in the back of your mind like that. Let her know how you feel, and get together or move on. I think if you have inclinations to believe she still feels the same about you, you owe it to yourself to find out. No relationship is perfect, at least not any i've experienced or heard of. All those problems are natural, and maybe y'all have matured enough to deal with them now. Good luck. Let us know what happens.
I don't want to air dirty laundry on here or anything, but Lynus and I have problems similar to this. We're both in different places in our lives and we seem to want different things, although not always. It's very up and down for the both of us. I think I would tell her how I felt. IMO, you can't lose anything. Like JR said, it'll be closure at least. If you're both in the same place emotionally, and if you can, try to talk about the situation realistically. Perhaps your differences are not so great. Or perhaps you both just need some time to grow a little before anything can happen. Try to have a frank discussion about it (trying to put emotions aside a little). Sometimes I think that relationships would be a lot easier if we hadn't had the woman's lib. movement (not to offend anyone on here, because I am a firm believer in women's rights). But sometimes it just seems like it would be easier for me if I didn't have any hopes or goals or dreams other than to find some guy and go where he goes, do what he wants, like it was 50+ years ago. Either way, I hope things work out for you. I know it can be really tough. Try to be realistic about it and good luck!
Thanks Junglerules & Princess, Currently I'm also thinking about doing something on our 4th aniversary... but I'm not too sure whether it should be a call or something else. Realisticly, even if my Ex feels the same way as I do, currently I'm having a very busy lifestyle & really don't think I can fully commit myself & put in the effort to overcome all the obsticles for us to get back together anytime soon. My Ex & I have very little things in common, she has a very outgoing personality & I'm more of a home oriented type of person. We also have a very different background & profession. She's a medical student & I'm in architecture. There are uncertainties about the country where she & I will stay in the future & our family background is also a bit different. No need to mention she's currently having a boyfriend & it's against my will to get into someone elses relationships... Right now even though we are living in the same city it actually takes about 40mins of drive to get to her place... Besides all the differences... I still think she's the right person for me - a feeling that never changed over the past 4 years... Because of the above mentioned, I'm uncertain whether I should contact her right now or wait until I'm ready to give it a try... mentally I am not yet in a position where I'm confident enough that things will workout. I'm very sure from the past experience that the only way for us to keep in touch is to be in a relationship or working towards that goal... it's just too painful to seeing each other & pretend to be just friends if you know what I mean... I'm reluctant to tell her about my true feelings because I'm afraid that it will turn her life upside down again & put her in a difficult situation that might not do any good. And I really don't want to screw things up right now & do something I might regret in the future... difficult decision indeed... Right now I'm also thinking about a more indirect approach... maybe sending her a letter to express my feelings...
If you are going to express your feelings, you may as well do it directly (in person). If you send a letter, she may never respond. Then you will think the mail didn't get there etc...
Thanks TexRuxpin, I'm still pondering on the options available... One of my concerns right now is that I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable position considering she's having a boyfriend right now. By writing a letter (not email) I'm hoping to express my feelings without causing too much pressure & chaos to her life. She also gets a chance to think about it & make a better decision... I have some doubt about the directness of meet in person or speak over the phone because I'm not ready to have a relationship with her right now & there is a good chance that I might screw up or make a mistake that may cause misinterpretation, which is why I'm thinking about sending a letter or other methods instead... she gets a chance to think about it & perhaps give me a reply... if there is no reply, it may as well indicates that she might want to move on & forget about me... What do you guys think?
sad, sad, sad. you mentioned fate a couple of times in your story. why can't it be fate that you aren't meant to be together? i mean c'mon... first she moves out of the country, then you have arguments, then she has a boyfriend... what's next? i think it's fate that you were meant to think it was fate that the both of you actually have a chance at working things out. (did that make sense?) just because "she's a charming, popular, caring, energetic type of person who will get along with everyone well" doesn't mean that mean that she's relationship material or that the two of you will be compatible. you said that that other girls were hitting on you? then why the hell not go for it? if you're willing to adjust your career and move to another country for somebody... who wouldn't hit on you? they say that you never know what you're missing until it's gone... the girl you are talking about will soon realize that. in the words of the rapper special ed in the song "neva go back" ... "move on". by the way, i'm staying true to form by trying to be an expert on relationships (making up for the "not being a good decorator" thing). by the way part2... i'm sure baqui can give you some good advice too.
Thanks Omega, Just like you said, how I wish I could forget about her! I tried to do it every single day over the past 2 years... How I wish I could move on & hit on other girls... My traditional type of mind also freaks me out & I'm just having trouble get over it... Haha... yeah, that was exactly what I wanted to believe but had no luck... My ex is in my mind too much... even with no contact for 2 years... My feeling for her never changed... So I've decided that maybe I should give the relationship with my Ex another try... So I won't regret in the future... I belief if someone can stay in my mind for 4 years non stop... maybe she is the right one for me & I'm willing to give it another try... It's always emotions vs reality... in the past, I believe the reality side of things has taking over my emotions... but after thinking about my ex for so long... I'm starting to believe that we could overcome the reality side of things if both of us put our efforts in to make it work... She's being very special to me & we had wonderful times together which I makes me believe that she's the one... I know I'm a bit hopeless.... but somehow I think she also wanted to get back together with me again if I'm willing to give it another try... I know, am I hopeless or what? Haha... cool, thanks alot for the advice man!
The First thing you should always do is remember all the bad things about the relationship. That sounds negative. But we tend to filter out the bad stuff and remember only the good. As you experienced once already. The bad isn't going to just go away. So if you're not in love with her faults then you are destined for trouble. Every relationship has problems. You have to decide if you are willing to live with those problems or not. As for expressing your emtions. That's your call. If this is the first time it's ok. But ask yourself one thing. Have I done this before? I've seen guys tell me over and over again they need to express how they feel. You shouldn't find yourself doing this every month. If you are, then that's a problem in my opinion. There is such a thing as over communication. But that doesn't sound like an issue for you. It sounds like maybe you need to air your love for this woman. Then let the chips fall were they may. You won't be doing her an injustice. She'll know who she wants to be with once she has all the information.
PhiSlammaJamma, Thanks! That's a very accurate judgement of my situation. That's what I want to do when I'm ready - express my feelings & let the chips fall where they may & the decision will be up to her... Unfortunately the day when I can make such a move won't be anytime soon (i.e. asking to get back together)... However, I'm thinking whether I should at least let her know about my feelings right now... before I was against it ... to avoid pain from both sides... but right now since I'm more determined to give our relationship another try I'm not totally against this idea anymore... I'll have to make a decision in about 2 week time before our 4th anniversary... see how it goes...
There is no such thing as fate. You've come to the point where either you want to make a permanent commitment to this girl or you don't. If you decide you do want a commitment, it's up to you to make it happen. You go to her in person, make your presentation in a romantic setting, tell her the truth about how you feel. She may say yes no or maybe as is her perogative and you have to respect her decision. If she says yes, you two have made a permanent choice and the work to build a successful life together is just beginning. That means a lot of compromises, sacrifices and effort to make love last. If she says no, you pack up your pride, wish her the best and get out of her life, permanently. Then get drunk and do some of those other chicks in the pooper until some one new comes along that you decide you might want to build a life with. It's usually not the pooper girls however. If she says maybe then it's back to you. If you still want her it's up to you to win her from this other guy. Be confident, tell the truth and show her what she can expect if she shares her life with you ( I happen to think most women will not pass up a chance at a truly loving relationship contrary to the 'Badboy" myth). It's your life, you are the man, make it happen. Jeep
