[old] Milwaukee Bucks funny fan letter to Dwight Howard

Listen, I know Houston seems like a great fit. You got Harden's beard distracting everyone from your average post game, and Lin and Parsons can't trash talk about your toughness because they are in a full on bromance. No state income taxes. I get it. Slim Thug fixin' you with bad b****es. I get it. Baby Mamas only getting 20%. I get it.


But if you though Kobe was riding your ass, wait until you have a pair of post legends trying to make you a competent post scorer after your neglect of the art for nearly the past decade.


Dwight, you can still change your mind. Come to Milwaukee. We almost literally don't have a roster. We almost literally don't have a general manager capable of making intelligent decisions. We almost literally will have probably watched all the teams in our division get better than us, worse than us, and then better than us again over the last decade. You can literally be the GM and build-a-team like some 2k ****.


No one will talk **** about you. There is literally no pressure. People are too burnt out after Packer season to give a **** about this franchise. Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Braun will be recognized on the street more than you will. People will ask you if you are a new linebacker for the Packers and you'll respond "No, I'm the center for the Bucks" and they will ask you why you are here instead of in Tampa Bay practicing your long snaps.

How the **** could you not want to play inside of this ****ing thing? [1] . It looks like the ****ing architect realized last minute there were no ****ing windows in his original design, so he decided to compensate by ****ing gluing a smaller building to it that is only windows.

WE COULD LITERALLY PAINT A MURAL TO YOU ON 90% OF THE BUILDING. LITERALLY. LOOK AT IT AGAIN. I PROMISE YOU THE OTHER SIDE LOOKS EVEN WORSE.
PLUS, NOW YOU GET TO PLAY NEXT TO

DREW GOODEN: FLOOR SPACER

LARRY SANDERS: SHOT BLOCKER

JON HENSON: SHOT BLOCKER

GREEK ROOKIE GUY: FREAK

GUSATVO AYON: ARM SLEEVE

LUC RICHARD MBAH A MOUTE: LITERALLY A PRINCE OF CAMEROON OR SOME ****. ALSO IS GOOD AT DEFENSE.

EKPE UDOH: SHOT BLOCKER

ISH SMITH: IS A POINT GUARD

WOLTERS: RACIAL DIVERSITY

ERSAN: FLOOR SPACING AND ETHNIC DIVERSITY
Think about your stats. I can see you averaging 35 and 15. You will be the first ever MOST VALUABLE IMPROVED PLAYER COACH AND DEFENDER OF THE YEAR AWARD winner. ****, we'll bring you off the bench if you wanna win sixth man of the year while your at it.

This is exactly what you want. Build your own team, no pressure, have fun, max deals until you die, no trade clauses, player options. Amnesty yourself if you get bored, no one will even know you were here.

Best Case Scenario: Build your own championship team
Worst Case Scenario: You win MVIPCDOTY award(s) and amnesty yourself when you get bored and do this whole free agency thing some other year