never. all designer jeans have some kind of tacky stitching on the rear pockets. tacky tacky tacky. i'll stick to my basic Levi's.
I like the ones with a little picture of a pony in the back, sprinkled with some glitter. And probably can be bought at Walmart.
It all started when our over-heralded star, JBIIRockets, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abundantly relieved, JBIIRockets backhanded a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved Sexy Stitching was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Jontro. JBIIRockets had known Jontro for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Jontro was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... clueless. JBIIRockets called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Jontro picked up to a very happy JBIIRockets. Jontro calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths sneeze before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually exotically grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting JBIIRockets. Why was Jontro trying to distract JBIIRockets? Because he had snuck out from JBIIRockets's with the Sexy Stitching only nine days prior. It was a enchanting little Sexy Stitching... how could he resist? It didn't take long before JBIIRockets got back to the subject at hand: his Sexy Stitching. Jontro panicked. Relunctantly, Jontro invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Sexy Stitching. JBIIRockets grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jontro realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Sexy Stitching and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if JBIIRockets took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least seven minutes before JBIIRockets would get there. But if he took the Douchemobile? Then Jontro would be excessively screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jontro was interrupted by three pestering Snookies that were lured by his Sexy Stitching. Jontro belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he deftly reached for his banana and aimlessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Douchemobile rolling up. It was JBIIRockets. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, JBIIRockets was out of the Douchemobile and went charismatically jaunting toward Jontro's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jontro was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Sexy Stitching into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Jontro was puzzled but at least the Sexy Stitching was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Jontro flamboyantly purred. With a mighty push, JBIIRockets opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive self-righteous ass in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jontro assured him. JBIIRockets took a seat nearby where Jontro had hidden the Sexy Stitching. Jontro cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But JBIIRockets was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Jontro noticed a clueless look on JBIIRockets's face. JBIIRockets slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Jontro felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when JBIIRockets asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Sexy Stitching right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on JBIIRockets's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. JBIIRockets nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jontro could react, JBIIRockets skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Sexy Stitching was plainly in view. JBIIRockets stared at Jontro for what what must've been eleven days. A few unfulfilled decades later, Jontro groped wildly in JBIIRockets's direction, clearly desperate. JBIIRockets grabbed the Sexy Stitching and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jontro let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, JBIIRockets,' he rebuked. Jontro always had been a little dimwitted, so JBIIRockets knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jontro did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his Sexy Stitching tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Jontro looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from JBIIRockets. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for JBIIRockets. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jontro walked over to the window and looked down. JBIIRockets was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, JBIIRockets was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Jontro's place. JBIIRockets had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Snookies suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Sexy Stitching. One by one they latched on to JBIIRockets. Already weakened from his injury, JBIIRockets yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Snookies running off with his Sexy Stitching. About ten hours later, JBIIRockets awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and JBIIRockets did not know where he was. Deep in the arid magical cornfield, JBIIRockets was abundantly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his Sexy Stitching was taken by the Snookies. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big Snookie emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Snookie. JBIIRockets opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Snookie sunk its teeth into JBIIRockets's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from JBIIRockets's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than five miles away, Jontro was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Sexy Stitching. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his kidney. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about JBIIRockets... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Sexy Stitching that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Snookies, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
