Wonderful Occurrences in National Basket-ball: The Defensive Three-Second Violation

A New Age · Nov 2, 2013

if you haven't run across this yet, give it a look. priceless.

Los Angeles Lakers vs. San Antonio Spurs
November, 2009
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From the shadows of mystery beneath Lakers’ own goal, #24 Bryant (90 kilos), throws the basket-ball at #2, Fisher (95 kilos), who seizes it successfully. But this exchange does not constitute a score. To triumph here, at the highest level of the sport, requires more than mere throwing and catching. One must make goals—goals by the hundreds!

Fisher proceeds to bounce the ball once, twice, thrice, then many more times as he progresses to where the other players have assembled in the room’s distant sector. The players’ specialized jogging shoes squeak like so many rubber mice on a floor fashioned from lacquered wood over which have been painted a veritable Pollack of abstract stripes. At the room’s nucleus, one finds the insignia for Lakers, a yellow sun around which the players orbit in the heliocentric universe of today’s match.

Fisher brazenly traverses this sun—though he is not scalded, only inflamed with passion for the sport of basket-ball, which he so clearly loves and would even die for probably. A single opposing Spurs, the Frenchman #9 Parker (a paltry 84 kilos), attempts to intercept and impede Fisher, who in turn makes him scuttle in reverse until Parker looks an absolute fool. Yet the supporters of Lakers display admirable gamesmanship; not a single man bursts into laughter or hurls comments of ridicule such as, “Fisher has bested you!” or “Fisher has made you run backward, idiot!”

His body glistening with sweat from the sheer force of will required to control the disdain and pity he feels for Parker, Fisher arrives at some arcing boundary and stops and holds the ball. His mind races. What will he do? Hundreds of bystanders lick their lips in anticipation. Here it is: he concedes to his Lakers colleague #7 Odom (104 kilos), who is lithe and wears the beleaguered expression of one who has witnessed many horrors, sporting and otherwise.

Perhaps this explains why Odom refuses to bounce the basket-ball, even once. Instead he caroms it off the floor to the Spaniard, #16 Gasol (115 kilos), who is facing the wrong way! For a moment we in attendance think to warn him. Yet perhaps it is more tantalizing to see if this Spanish dastard will realize the error in his ways? Yes, the knock of anticipation is precisely what sport is about!

But Gasol is as clever a Spaniard as has ever lived, for he has duped us all: he proceeds to move in reverse, perhaps as a jibe against Parker’s inept francophone flailings at Fisher only seconds prior. Backward he jiggles. His colleagues are stunned; no one moves. Even the umpires can only watch, goggle-eyed, at this unprecedented display of hubris and athletic wizardry.
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Wonderful Occurrences in National Basket-ball: The Defensive Three-Second Violation

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