The Top 16 Bizarre Nostradamus Predictions A great evil follows nigh upon another, As a vast throng assembles to witness this thing. Jostling, dumbstruck, they ask themselves: My God, who let that Mariah chick sing? After many years, there will be A return to the wars among the stars, And millions will cry out in agony Upon seeing the beast of two Jars. At the dawn of the millennium, in the new land of Columbus, The village idiot will take the crown from the wooden one. Oh, hell -- Bush's wayward kid will win the American presidency in 2000. Is that clear enough for you morons? A coming together in distant lands Preceeds a test not all shall pass. One by one souls are discarded, Until the flabby naked dude wins a cool million. On the third day of the Ascension of Gemini into his third house, Work will be kind of boring. Verily, what is new? For the human race, an ill wind blows under a barren sky. Unable to resolve their differences, the end is nigh. Who would have thought? *WE* were the the weakest link. Goodbye. For score upon score of years, and more, The people of the land of Amerigo Sit transfixed -- dumbfounded, yet unmoving. 200 channels, yet nothing good on the tube! From the South shall come Great mountains of falsehood, And though she denies, many a man Will make pledge to lay down Spears. A mighty captain shall steer a ship That sails neither oceans nor seas. Then retired, he shall discount travel fares And fool no one with a bad hairpiece. Out of thin air, shall spring music, Emanating from a box, for all to hear, When the Bega's Mambo numbered 5 shall sound, No ear will be spared its enduring torment. A man-child shall anoint himself King. Though he suffers no earthly malady nor troubles, His face shall become gaunt and pale. His companion? A chimp named Bubbles. From Nantucket shall come a great man, With sword so long he can touch it to his own lips. His chin bedewed, He shall say with a great smile, "I long for my ear to be the lotus blossom of a woman!" With bated breath the people of the D and C, Wait upon their leader's word. Will we crush our foes or lie down again like lambs? All eyes turn for an answer to Jordan of Nike. From the land of the maple leaf shall come a great wailing, With an emaciated siren singing of an unsinkable boat. Thus two tragedies are produced from one. (Three if you count Kate Winslet naked.) One by one the plagues arrive, Marching swiftly across our consciousness. Beware the ones with demonic names: Adam, Pauly and Carrot Top. and the Number 1 Bizarre Nostradamus Prediction... And in days long hence, when these visions come to pass, I shall finally lose the nickname, "Nostra-dumbass."
