Early reports coming out of Heaven this morning are indicating that in a very unusual move, God, his close advisers, and the archangel’s – including Gabriel – are holding a closed door meeting to discuss “issues of great importance.” It was at first believed the talks were about the new color scheme Heaven has been discussing (‘white is so cliché” one angel was quoted as saying). However, one angel, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the Ten Commandments were being discussed. More specifically, an amendment to one of them. Many other angels responded with “no comment” and representatives of Mary have not returned calls at this time. The last time a meeting this momentous was held was when God and the archangel’s were in heavy debate as to whether the world should be ended after it was learned that Kelvin Cato would be given 42 million dollars over the course of six years. At the time Gabriel said, “at first we thought the report was an obvious joke, but after it was verified the talk soon became serious.” At that time God said he would let the world go on because it was a far greater punishment to have to watch Cato “suck up seven million in cap room for the next 6 years.” We are getting word that the meeting has just ended and now God will now a statement. “In lieu of the terrorists’ attack on America -my favorite country- we held a meeting this morning to discuss several things. The most important of these was about Osama Bin Laden. Seeing as how I hate the Devil and all, I’ve been trying to get Osama down there as fast as possible for the last few years so that the Devil could see what real evil is all about. And when these horrendous attacks occurred I thought for sure he would soon be there. But then I noticed that a lot of liberals started speaking up and saying things like lets put Osama on trial and crazy things like that and I realized it might be years before he would even die and then with all the paperwork a few more before he would end up in Hell. So I decided to take action and call this meeting. At first we thought about making a new commandment that said, “Thou shall kill Osama A.S.A.P.” Gabriel thought writing A.S.A.P instead of as soon as possible would be better because the people would relate to it easier. But then I realized we’d have 11 commandments, and I know how much humans love those round numbers, so I said maybe we should just make an amendment to Number 5 “Thou shall not kill” and everyone agreed. So the final draft of Number 5 now reads “Thou shall not kill (except for that sorry ass Osama Bin Laden and all his followers). I’m hoping this will greatly expedite the process of getting Osama into Hell as people should now have no reservations about boarding the next flight to Afghanistan and shooting Osama on sight. I’ll be available for questions after the conference is over. Oh and in other news, I’ve decided that no matter what he does with his life from now on, Dan Fegan will go to Hell. Well there you have it folks, a momentous decision from God. A few things: a. as I was writing this I couldn't decide if it was stupid or funny, but I decided to post it anyway. so if it's not funny, don't be too mean b. this was written purely in fun, take nothing i said seriously and please don't be offended by any of the stuff relating to what God said because it was not meant in a bad way c. for anyone who thinks the liberal thing applies to them don't take it the wrong way, it just seemed to make it flow better
As someone who isn't particularly religious, I find it really amusing how religion has been thrown about not only by the Taliban but by the US. Both of them think God is on their side, it's kinda funny. Also, I saw this thing on MSNBC discussing Islam and why it seems there is this rash of "holy wars" and world wide extremism. One guy there pointed out that Islam is about 1,300 years old and that when Christianity was about the same age there were the Crusades and the same kind of violent religious extremism. He seemed to think that Islam was simply going through a maturing process that Christianity had already been through. I can't say if I agree or disagree, but it was an interesting point I thought.
Timing, everyone who is religious always thinks that God is on their side - that is the only absolutism in human psychology. For what it's worth, I'm not religious either, and I suspect that if other people weren't so convinced that God was on their side, they might not be so willing to kill and die... I believe that strong words backed up by big guns will save us. God is just going to watch and make sure the turnstyle into heaven doesn't break down. Maybe occasionally he and Satan will share a giggle.
Have you hear this one? The gods were sitting around in heaven and one said I have a vacation, do any of you know of a fun place to go? One said: "I can't think of any particular place right now, but I'll tell you where not to go, Earth." "Earth, why not?" "Unbelievable , one of the gods went on vacation down there about two thousand years ago, knocked up a Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!"
I just always picture God as some frustrated old guy looking down and shaking his head saying, "Do I have to start all over? Maybe they don't get free will this time."
