Lawyer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates talking with St. Peter. St. Peter invites him in and says, "C'mon, let's grab a cup of coffee." As they approach a long line of folks outside the Cafeteria waiting for coffee, the lawyer habitually walks right past the line and heads right for the coffee pot-- intending to cut in. St. Peter grabs him by the arm and reels him back into line. "No sir," he says. "Up here we are all equals. You have to wait in line like everyone else-- no matter what you're accustomed to." The lawyer grumbles about the rule, but, hey, he's just grateful to be in Heaven. An angel flys up and whispers into St. Peter's ear. St. Peter says, "Excuse me for a moment, I have to go take care of a little business. I'll be right back." Dawdling in line, the lawyer watches this little guy with a lab coat and a stethoscope hanging around his neck stride right by him straight to the coffee pot, pour himself a cup of coffee and stride right out another door. Just as those doors close, St. Peter returns. The lawyer protests, "I thought you said that everyone here is equal. Did you see that little doctor guy. He walked right up to the coffee pot, got his coffee and walked right out. What's up with that?" St. Peter explains: "Oh, him. Never mind. That's God. He just likes to play doctor once in awhile."
Posted by me in another thread earlier this week... Q: What do Enron and a condom have in common? A: After one Lay, neither is worth anything anymore!
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable: 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999 And .. . . drum roll . . . 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama bin Laden, November
Enron Exec Charity: Dear kind-hearted friends... Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level...right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, ...but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent ------- in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below: [ ] Mid-level Manager [ ] Director [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department) [ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department) [ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700) [ ] Entire Company [ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me. SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry. In this troubled economy, there are many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000. The NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism and do something about it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters to substitute executives from any downtrodden company listed on screwedupcompany.com. You will never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk shirts, or have a gentleman's gentleman; why deprive a worthy executive from ascending, and more importantly, from maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves? (pun not intended) Imagine the feeling of satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your sponsored-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will be able to have his caviar and eat it too. It's just that easy - do it now! Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep America Strong Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to wear proudly. Your Name: _______________________ Telephone Number: _______________________ Account Number: _______________________ Exp. Date: _______[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]Discover Signature: _______________________ Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.
A bear was in the woods and had to "rid" himself of waste. As he sat over a log a Chipmunk comes up and begins to watch. the chipmunk asks whatcha doin? the bear replies, takin a dump chipmunk: why you sittin over the log like that? Bear: so the crap wont stick to me, why dont you do this Chipmunk: Oh no crap wont stick to my fur. Bear:Really?. . . . .. GOOOD The bear then grabs the chipmunk and wipes himself with him.
"What's the difference between you, and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I can't remember the rest of it but your mother's a w****." - Sean Connery on SNL's Celebrity Jepeordy Red Sox are pretty cool.
Jeopardy Answer: The sound a dog makes. Alex Trabeck: We would have accepted 'Bark, Bark' or 'Ruff, Ruff'. Sean Connery: 'Ruff'! That's how your mother likes it, Alex.
Gawd...That Enron e-mail is a recycled NBA email during the 1998 NBA lockout, which was probably recycled from something else... Three dudes are in heaven talking to St. Peter at the pearly gates. He says, "We only have one rule in here...don't step on any ducks!" The three guys are thrilled that they got into heavan so easily, and walk in... Sure enough, there are ducks EVERYWHERE. After one day, one of the guys steps on a duck. St. Peter comes up to him and handcuffs this really ugly girl to him. "You're punishment for stepping on a duck is to be handcuffed to this ugly woman for the rest of eternity!", St. Peter says The next day, the second guys steps on a duck. Sure enough, St. Peter handcuffs this butt ugly woman to him. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be handcuffed to this ugly woman for the rest of eternity", He says. The third guy realizes his friend's fates, and tries really hard to not step on a duck. His carefullness pays off, as he goes an entire year without stepping on a single duck. After a year, St. Peter comes up to him with this beautiful woman...She's perfect in every way. Long, blond hair, baby blue eyes...the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen. He handcuffs this woman to him... "Wow", says the guy, still stunned, "I wonder what I did to get handcuffed to YOU?" "I don't know about you", says the girl, "But I just stepped on a duck"
No, no, you have it all wrong. "Ill take Swords for 400, Tre-beck." "Unbelievable. The sound a doggy makes. Nobody knew this. We would have accepted Bow wow, or ruff." "Ohhhhh rough, just the way your mother likes it, Trebeck..."
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
