Marital Stress and Public Office

A very interesting story from the Houston Chronicle. I find it most ironic that the longest standing relationship among city council members is Annise Parker and her lesbian partner while conservative members like Rob Todd and Bert Keller are separated from their wives.

City Hall capturing husband's affections
By CLIFFORD PUGH
Copyright 2000 Houston Chronicle


After 26 years of marriage, Sylvia Quan has a rival for her husband's affections.

It's City Hall.

Since her husband, Gordon Quan, was elected to an at-large position on the Houston City Council late last year, she says their relationship has changed dramatically.

For years they worked side by side at his Galleria-area law practice, where she oversees administrative matters. Now he is at City Hall nearly every day and at political functions on most nights. Even when they dine out together, he is interrupted by constituents or business people currying favor.

"It's almost like he is addicted to it," she complains. "It's like City Hall is his mistress, and there's nothing a wife can do about it."

Even so, she is optimistic their marriage won't be the latest political casualty. At her prodding, he is trying to carve out more time for the family, which includes three adult daughters, and be more sensitive to her concerns.

"This is a transition for me just as it is a transition for her," he says.

Other council members aren't so fortunate. Nowadays, breaking up doesn't seem that hard to do at City Hall.

Of the current 14 council members, at least four -- Rob Todd, Orlando Sanchez, Jew Don Boney and Bert Keller -- have divorced or separated while in office. Another councilman, Mark Goldberg, divorced while contemplating a run for the position.

The breakups cut across political lines.

Boney, generally considered the council's most liberal member, ended his marriage to Rise Collins in 1998, about the time he became mayor pro tem. After the divorce, Collins sent a 25-page letter to friends, blaming the breakup, in large part, on his decision to put politics over family. She could not be reached for comment, and Boney did not respond to interview requests.

Todd, arguably the council's most conservative member, has separated from his wife, Penny, and is said to be seeking a divorce. Their split has raised eyebrows among political insiders because of his uncompromising "family values" stance on many issues. Todd and his wife declined comment.

"All marriages are hard work," says Keller, whose marital troubles became known after he fled the scene of an accident last month. "In ours, problems were there. They were just under the surface.

"What politics does is accelerate and intensify those problems, especially if there are personal deficits, such as drinking too much or being gone too much or being self-absorbed."

Keller pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of alcohol after he struck a parked truck near the west Houston apartment complex where he has lived since separating from his wife two months ago.

His estranged spouse, Susan, was at his side during a news conference in which he took responsibility for his actions. Although they remain separated, "I am still very supportive of Bert," she says.

Susan Keller says she never really cared for politics until after her husband decided to run for public office. She discovered that she enjoyed meeting people and seeing another side of the city.

After the election, however, she says "everything crashed" as political life exacerbated problems in their marriage.

"Politics can be good if you keep everything in focus," she says. "That was the problem with us. Bert didn't have things in focus. He let his ego and all the people patting him on the back take over. But I think now he realizes what's important."

Bert Keller says he is now more willing to put family first -- he recently went to his child's soccer game instead of a political meeting -- and he and his wife are tentatively focusing on getting to know each other again.

"It will either be the best thing that happened to our marriage or, in worst-case scenario, it will make us best friends," he says. "Regardless, we learned a great deal."

No one except the parties involved can really know why a marriage fails. But most agree that political life places a lot of strain on even the strongest relationship.

"A lot of these folks weren't marrying a politician. Their mates' lives changed, and they didn't necessarily bargain for those changes," says Richard Murray, professor of political science at the University of Houston.

Family time is reduced as elected officials are in demand to appear at events. Their lives are open to public scrutiny. Even though council members make $44,000 a year for what is termed a "part-time job," many could earn far more in the private sector. Male politicians, in particular, are sometimes tempted by groupies.

The job also contains a lot of everyday stress. For every person who thinks you're doing great, more send hate mail, says at-large council member Annise Parker.

"It's surprising to me there aren't more politicians who end up in marital trouble," says Parker, an openly gay council member who has one of the most stable long-term relationships on the council.

Parker and Kathy Hubbard, her partner of 10 years, have survived because they communicate well, Parker says. "She is very interested and supportive of what I do, but she has her own career and her own life."

"You have to accept the fact that a lot of time isn't your own," says Hubbard, who runs a tax preparation service. "Sometimes it's amusing. People will plow right past (me) to get to her. They don't know me from the bodyguard. It took a little getting used to."

Sanchez, who was sworn into office in 1996, along with Todd and Boney, admits most politicians have an "inflated ego" that can be hard to live with.

"It's part of our personality: that will to subject yourself to public humiliation, public scrutiny and public insults for the prize," he says. "A lot of time the family suffers, particularly the marriage bond."

Sanchez says he was so busy concentrating on his new job that he didn't see the trouble brewing in his marriage.

"It wasn't until my wife filed that I put on the brakes and said, `OK, you've got my attention. Let's see what we can do.' By that point, in her mind, it was irreparable," he says.

He and wife Ashley divorced in 1997. But Sanchez says he learned a valuable lesson. He shares joint custody of their 6-year-old daughter and often brings her to the office or skips political events to be with her.

"You set priorities. It's that simple," he says.

In the old days, divorce spelled doom for almost any political candidate. Many couples stayed together for the sake of the elected official's career.

Political observers agree that Ronald Reagan broke the divorce taboo when he was elected president in 1979. (Reagan was divorced from actress Jane Wyman; Nancy Reagan was his second wife.)

Nowadays, divorce isn't a factor in most elections, Murray says, unless an angry ex-spouse campaigns for the opponent.

In some cases, however, a supportive spouse can be an asset.

When Mark Ellis ran for City Council last year, rumors were spread that he had been arrested three times for domestic abuse. He and his wife, Vicki, married for 14 years, found the rumors ludicrous but felt they needed to respond.

"I said, `Honey, you need to go to some events with me,' " Mark Ellis recalls.

Even though Vicki Ellis has a busy career as membership director at Braeburn Country Club and wasn't that interested in politics, she agreed. As a catering director for much of her professional life, she had worked many weekends, and her husband never complained.

"He sacrificed a lot during those years, so it's my turn now, and I'm frankly happy to do it," she says.

She says the couple has always had a rule that they don't make plans without checking with the other first. It was "great training" for politics, she says.

"I think we're more aware of making definite plans because time is a little more precious now," she says.

To avoid problems, council member Gabriel Vasquez convenes a family meeting with his wife, Cindy, and their teen-aged daughter every Sunday. They go over their schedules and talk about the week ahead.

Before deciding to run for council, Vasquez discussed the decision with his wife and daughter. Both enthusiastically supported him.

"There are some trade-offs, but I think we've balanced it," says Cindy Vasquez, who works as an insurance company community development representative.

As a longtime community volunteer, she has always been very interested in politics. "It makes it easier when Gabe comes home because I have an understanding of what he's gone through," she says.

Sometimes Gordon Quan wishes his wife, Sylvia, had the same level of political interest. He believes she has a lot to offer and could use her role as political spouse to push for issues near to her heart.

Yet, he admits one reason he married her is because she is a strong woman, and he's not about to try and change her now.

For her part, Sylvia Quan wrote out a "recipe" for marital success for her husband, which includes the words "I'm sorry" when politics takes up too much of his time.

"He's trying very hard, and that's all you can ask for," she says.

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