Hey Im a Raider fan and i know these Weird ESPN.com reportes are a little out of whack but what the heck is this ????? Janikowski is shown as a party boy idiot , well i must admit Week 2,6,11 and 15 made me laugh , AND WEEK 9 IS SO DAMN HILARIOUS HAHAHAHA http://espn.go.com/nfl/preview00/s/000829murphy.html --------------------------------------------- Ding-Dong! Right on time, I thought to myself, putting down the Bloody Mary mix ... I glanced at the clock radio. An even 8:00 a.m. In need of a little forecasting help, Brian Murphy turned to former Saints coach Mike Ditka. After all, it was the first Sunday of the NFL Millennium and my man, Mike Ditka, surely wouldn't be late. I opened the door to find Ditka in a turban, clutching two items: A case of Stroh's Light and a Magic 8-Ball. My eyes locked immediately on the only item which didn't belong: The round, black Magic 8-Ball. "Dude, you were supposed to bring a Ouija board!" I said, crestfallen. "Shutup, Murphy," Ditka snapped, smacking some gum. He was clearly perturbed about not coaching this year, and in no mood for grief. "I tried to get your ******* Ouija board, but they were all sold out," Ditka barked, dropping the Stroh's Light on my living room floor. "The guy at Toys R Us told me the Magic 8-Ball worked just as well. Said he used it to work a make-out session with his high school girlfriend in 1979." "All right, all right, easy, cheetah," I said to Iron Mike, before adding: "Yo, brother: What's with the turban?" "You said we were doing some soothsaying!" Ditka barked, indignant. "I guess," I said, sinking into the same couch I've had since college. "Hey, it beats the dreadlock wig you wore in last year's draft that got you fired." "Easy, cheetah, yourself," Ditka said, snarling, stuffing another piece of Big Red in his mouth. "Now, let's get down to business." He shook up the 8-Ball, closed his eyes and hummed like a meditating fool: "Oh, wise 8-Ball, can you tell us what the NFL season will bring this year?" The strange blue waters subsided. A triangular message read: "Reply Hazy, Try Again." Ditka reared back and readied himself to smash the Magic 8-Ball against my wall. "Dude!" I shouted. "What kind of American are you? All you do is try again!" Cooler heads prevailed. He shook it, and it read, most assuringly: "Outlook Good." Thus came our open door to the Future of the NFL 2000 Season. Here's what we found out: Week 1 In Buffalo, the Titans laugh and whoop and holler as they open their season by receiving the opening kickoff and dusting off the old "Music City Miracle Only This Time It's In Western New York and It Still Is a Forward Pass" play. The Bills counter with a trick: They send Doug Flutie from the sidelines to pick it off and return it for a score. Officials never notice the diminutive Flutie's sideline entrance and give Buffalo a touchdown en route to a Bills victory. After the game, a wisecracking scribe asks Flutie: "Will the real Doug Flutie please stand up?" Fires back Flutie, a la Davy Jones with the Monkees: "I am standing up." In the Monday Night Football debut, the Rams roll over the Broncos and Dennis Miller pulls off a St. Louis hat trick: References to favorite sons Harry Caray, Frankie Frisch and T.S. Eliot, leaving most of America saying: "Say what?" Week 2 In Indianapolis, Peyton Manning invites Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski over for milk, cookies and Bible study before the big Colts-Oakland tilt. Janikowski shows up two hours late with a couple of babes, a fur coat and a limosuine, offering Manning a night on the town. Manning passes. Janikowski rages. Colts win 21-20 on a missed Janikowski PAT. Week 3 On a Monday night at RFK -- whoops! -- Jack Kent Cooke -- shoot! -- FedEx Stadium, Dan Snyder is out of his box and on the sidelines by the second quarter of the game with Dallas. After an incomplete pass, Snyder issues the benching of Brad Johnson. After another, he orders the benching of Jeff George. When Snyder tries to take snaps, some Skins defensive linemen decide they've seen enough and tree Snyder on the nearest light pole. Skins win anyway. Week 4 Jets go to Tampa Bay. Keyshawn hyperventilates during pregame smack talk, urging: "Give me the damn oxygen!" Wayne Chrebet catches the game-winning TD, and when Keyshawn shouts angrily: "Will the real Wayne Chrebet please stand up?," Chrebet deadpans from the end zone: "I am standing up." Week 5 In Cleveland, the Ravens visit. Art Modell figures enough time has passed so he can come to town without incident. Turns out Modell is wrong when Browns fan Big Dawg -- that enormous cat in the dog mask -- spots him, and eats him. Week 6 Raiders visit Candlestick. Marauding Silver and Black fans think it would be cool to burn down the stadium, using medieval-style torches. Game cancelled. Week 7 Jets go to New England. Legions of fans in New England and the Northeast corridor whip themselves into a frenzy over the magnitude of the matchup. Then, news breaks: Turns out Al Groh is coaching the Jets, and Bill Belichick coaching the Pats. All air is taken out of the matchup. Nobody cares who wins. Jets do, anyway. Week 8 St. Louis at Kansas City. Game comes down to final play, when Chiefs QB Elvis Grbac throws a pass into the end zone where Tony Gonzalez lands out of bounds. Newly-appointed NFL side judge Don Denkinger signals touchdown anyway, then enjoys postgame drink with Jorge Orta. St. Louis fans seethe. Week 9 Monday nighter at Washington, where the Titans open the game by taking the opening kickoff and work the old "Music City Miracle Except This Time We're In Washington and It's Still a Forward Pass" play. Dan Snyder comes out of his box to pick off the lateral and head for the end zone. Jevon Kearse clotheslines Snyder, to the roars of thousands. Titans win. Week 10 Saints host 49ers. Ditka shows up in crowd, wearing worn-down "Who Dat?" T-shirt, trying to lead cheers. Soon realizes nobody cares about two NFC West also-rans. Debunks, heads for Pascale's Manale oyster bar. 49ers win. Week 11 Raiders go to Mile High on a Monday night. Broncos bust out snow machines for fans in upper deck to form, spit and toss snowballs. Only this time, Janikowski is a Raider. He goes into stands to bust some heads, and escapes in Al Davis' Town Car before authorities get him. Now wanted in Florida and Colorado. Week 12 Panthers travel to Minnesota. George Seifert, ex-Stanford assistant, and Denny Green, ex-Stanford assistant, huddle before game. Topic: "Will Stanford hire us next year when we're looking for work?" Resolution: Faxes to go out Monday morning. Week 13 Thanksgiving Day games bring Pats to Detroit, Vikings to Dallas. Denny Green spoils fun by eating John Madden's 12-legged turkey in a sleepwalking incident the night before. Green makes mental note to fax Stanford again. Week 14 Titans visit Philadelphia. Tackle Jon Runyan wonders why he ever left the AFC champions for the rat-infested Vet. Sneaks into Tennessee locker room, pregame, suits up. Eagles, en route to winless season, never notice, wind up suiting up rat to play Runyan's left tackle spot. Tennessee wins. Week 15 Jets go to Oakland Coliseum. Pregame promotion has any fan named "Heidi" entering for free. Promotion turns sour when "Violator," disturbing Raiders face-painter, shows up in Swiss Miss dress and blonde ponytailed wig. He is asked to leave. Jets win. Week 16 Colts go to Miami. Dave Wannstedt offers trade: "How's about we give you Jimmy Johnson's empty Heinekens for Peyton Manning?" Colts decline, roll. Week 17 On Christmas Day, the Monday night finale, Cowboys visit Tennessee. Dennis Miller caps a brilliant season by tying together his all-time rant, weaving Hank Williams, Sr., Don Meredith, Tipper Gore and Jesus Christ into one sentence. Turn out the lights, folks. The party's over. Besides, Ditka fell asleep on my couch two Bloody Marys ago, and it's almost time for kickoff. ------------------ President of nothing [This message has been edited by moestavern19 (edited August 29, 2000).]
Right , Peyton Manning shown as the pretty boy , Bible study while Jano is shown as the evil Pole who wants to have a good time , Week 9 is my favorite , week 3 is funny too , all the Jano bashing weeks are pretty funny . If you remember last year Raider DB Charles woodson hit a female Denver Fan in the face with a snowball after people were throwing snowballs with batteries , I sure hope Jano goes into the crowd and busts some heads ------------------ President of nothing
